I loved the BBC's new man on screen. I first noticed him a couple of days ago;
There he is, peeking out from behind the graphics. He made it on screen the following day as well, this time with a wig;
Then there was the reporting on location. It seems that when there is high drama of any kind, it is important for the key reporters, talking heads and anchorpeople to go outside. It apparently doesn't matter if the location has anything more than a tenuous link to the topic of reporting. The location doesn't necessarily have to add value to the reporting it would seem. The best example of recent times was reporting on location outside Heathrow during the volcanic ash crisis... why? Because nothing was happening there.
What amused me was one BBC slot filmed on the green opposite parliament, on the corner of Great College Street and Abingdon Street I believe. It's the location in the photos above. The anchorperson handed over to a reporter, on location outside a party headquarters. Except when we went to the roving reporter, it looked rather like the Palace of Westminster in the background. In fact yes, the reporter admitted he wasn't at the party HQ, he was at parliament. What he didn't care to reveal was that he was standing in the Victoria Tower Gardens... yes that's correct, right opposite the anchorperson on the other side of Abingdon Street.
I was also amused by some of the photos of the big day. I'll admit that my interpretation may be coloured by my disappointment in the result of the election.
Here we can see the Queen asking David Cameron to form a new administration. We can see from her choice of outfit that she rather hoped that blending in with the wallpaper would render her invisible, and she could get out of seeing Cameron.
It's a pity she forgot that brooch. It gave her away.
And finally, photographically speaking, it amused me to see President Obama on the phone to David Cameron. Mere minutes after the Brown's packed their bags to make room for the Camerons, the Obama's appeared to think they had to pack up too... just look at the empty desk:
I have to say though, that the highlight of the election was the series of facebook revelations from my very dear friend Katie Farrell. I didn't know she was so close to our former Prime Minister, the Rt Hon Gordon Brown MP. It all started with innocent appeals to vote Labour;
"For everyone who votes brown i shall commit one boss act. Full fact."
and then the memories started to flow;
a few years back me, gord and charlie kennedy were in strangers trying to decide what to get betty boothroyd for chrimbo. Bojo & mandy rock in start causing grief turns out Bojo had bet mandy a pkt of beef hula hoops that he could take charlie in a fight. Mandy went for it as he hates gingers. Gord wasn't having it tho & sparked clean out. A vote for brown is a vote against ginger racism.
One day, a few years just before the California recall election me, Gord and Arnie were having a bike ride and deciding upon the best campaign tactic to get the Governator elected. Anyway, we happened upon a bar and decided to go in for a few scoops. One thing led to another and it turned into a bit of a sesh. Arnie wanted to power right through and get messed up on Golschlager but Gord made him have some dinner which was fortunate as the paparazzi were waiting outside and he could hold his shit together. The morale of this story…"Eating is not cheating"
One day me, Gord and Stano were sitting off in Parliament pretending to listen to a debate but really doing some needlework to give to Prince William’s nan for her Golden Jubilee. Stano produced a work of great beauty depicting Prince Charles as KISS as she knew the Queen was a big KISS fan (Stano always has fine needlework as the Swiss finishing school she attended has turned her into a fine and accomplished lady). David Cameron (or Riverballs as he is commonly known around Whitechapel) rocks past and spots the embroidery and goes into a jealous rage as he had bought her a box of Ferreo Rocher and 2 mugs, one with Camilla and Charlie...
Right today’s Gord story is a bit of an epic in honour of election day, you don’t have to read it but to whet your whistle its stars Pat St Clement, Boy George, Patrick Swayze and Kylie. If you are a swing voter and have laughed at any of my ramblings you are legally obliged to vote Labour. A-Thankyou.
It was the night before the election me, Gordo and Henno (who was there in her capacity as Biology adviser for Education) were chilling in Gord’s office. I could see Gord was wound up and asked him what was wrong, he said “I’m just so scared that Riverballs will steal away my leadership, I still have so much I want to achieve”. Henno replied “Listen love, I don’t know why everyone is sitting off chatting about all this politics nonsense but I can see your stressing, so even though it goes against everything I believe in why don’t we get Ed Balls to go and us a boneless banquet from KFC and we can just chill out?” Gordon replied “Thanks Henno but I’m just going to finish off here and then go to bed. Henno wasn’t happy about this “Godddddddd, you try and help someone and then they go and throw it in your face, your dead to me Gord, I had a boss way to explain how babies get their sex in the womb but now you’ll never know” Gord replied “Sorry Henno….” but it was too late she was gone forever. After a while I thought it was wise for me to leave as I could see Gord was falling into a deep sleep over his desk….
(In the interests of my story I am now going to pretend I can see everything Gord saw his dream, yes I know it makes no sense but neither did the then Chancellor of the Exchequer helping a Republican’s senatorial candidates campaign the other day so there)
Anyway, Gord woke up a few hours later to the sound of the Eastenders theme tune and shuddered involuntarily, and thought I best get some kip, I look like a frog at the best of times and I don’t want to make matter worse. Then all of a sudden he looked up with a start and realised the ghost of Patrick Swayze was standing at the other side of his desk. “Hey, Dalton from Roadhouse what are you doing in my office? I thought you was dead” asked Gord, “I did star in many other films apart from Roadhouse you know, I should have won an Oscar for my turn as Johnny Castle in Dirty Dancing, if it wasn’t for Dusbin Hoffman doing his turn in Rainman that year it would have been mine” replied Swayze. “Whatever Dalton” replied Gord, “if you don’t say the line I’m going to get the Secret Service to throw you out” “Ok, sighed Swayze “Pain don’t hurt”, “hahahahaha, belter” said Gord, “ok, what can I do for you? Can ghosts vote?” “no” replied Swayze, I am here to take you back to a painful memory from your past” “ok” replied Gord, lets go.
All of a sudden Gord found himself somewhere he thought he never wanted to see again. It was 1985 and he was in the Queen Vic pub watching himself as a young Labour MP for Dumferline East. He had been invited there to talk to the cast about how Eastender’s could become more political. “I never think about this day” Gord said to Swayze. “I know said Swayze “but you have to face up to what happened to you”. Gord watched himself with some trepidation, he knew what was coming next….
Pat St Clement came up to Young Gord and asked him if he wanted to have a game of darts. Gord was never one to turn down a challenge so he accepted. Things were going well and for a bird Pat couldn’t half bang the darts into the bullseye. “Jesus” thought Brown, “I’m really going to have to pull out my A Game here” so anyway, it turned into a bit of an epic battle and loads of Newquay Brown got sunk. Gord was collecting his darts when all of a sudden he heard cries of “get out of the way, get out of the way”. The old Gord suddenly cried “I’ve had enough, I can’t watch anymore”. “Tell me what happened” said Swayze. “I only got in the way for a minute but Pat St Clement was so intent in winning she planted a dart in my eye, that’s how I lost it, the story was covered up but to this day I still can’t bear to watch Eastenders, Pat was devastated, that’s why she always wears dangly earrings, they are a tribute to me and what happened that day but they make me shudder” said Gord. “You have to let it go” said Swayze, come on lets gets back to Westminster.
Next thing, Gord finds himself back in his office on his own and thought “bugger me have I just had a psychotic episode? Best not mention that to anyone its prob’s just the stress of the election getting to me” his calm was only short lived as he turned around and the ghost of Boy George was standing behind him (yes I know Boy George isn’t dead) . “you can’t be in here. You’re a known criminal, get out at once, you’re going to wreck my election chances entirely” yelped Gord. Boy replied “do you think I really want to hurt you, do you think I really want to make you cry” “ok” sighed Gord, “you’ve milked that song long enough, “just get on with it I’ve got to get to a cabinet meeting.”. At which point Gord stormed off and Boy George followed him.
In the cabinet meeting, Alistair Darling, or ‘he of sinister eyebrows’ as Gord always like to think of him was looking purely please with himself. “what’s happening?” asked Gord, trying to ignore Boy George sitting off beside him. “Well” said Darling “we have had a brilliant breakthrough, we just found out that Riverballs has struck a deal with Johnson & Johnson to put mild hallucinogenics in Pampers and baby wipes. They are harmless to kids but when the mums wash their hands after they have changed the nappies or girls take off their makeup the potent potion gets activated and they fall in love with Riverballs, that’s how he is getting the votes.” “Brilliant” replied Gord, “everyone knows Johnson & Johnson headquarters are in Nigeria so if we can get a link to Mugabe this will floor the Tories entirely”. At this point Gordon heard a familiar rustle and sweat trickled down his back. “Who is wearing dangly earrings? You know I have banned earrings longer than an inch from cabinet meetings” It’s me admitted Mandy, “I couldn’t resist. Its election day I wanted to be festive”. “Very well” said Gord “you all carry on here I just need to go and pass an emergency act through parliament that bans people wearing anything other than studs and banning the sale of peroxide bleach and eyebrow dye, you all carry on”. “But Prime Minister” shouted Darling, we need you there to give these claims credibility” “I must go” said Gord and he and Boy George stormed off. “Don’t you see, said Boy, “you can’t let this fear of all things relating to Pat St Clement wreck your life, that’s why Swayze took you back to that painful memory. He wanted you to confront your fear” “Leave me alone” said Gord. “I need to stop this happening to me again”. So Boy George sighed, reapplied his eyeliner and left.
Gord returned to his office and began to calm down. He knew his fear of St Clement was wrecking his election chances but every night when he popped out his eye and put it in a glass of water for the night he thought of what had happened. As he was musing over the events of the day he looked up and who should be standing their but the ghost of Kylie (again I am aware she isn’t dead). “Kylie, you perfect but slightly frozen faced pop princess, what on earth are you doing here” asked Gord delightedly. “Well if I’m lucky, lucky, lucky enough (omg, even I know that was terrible!!) I’m going to show you the error of your ways before it’s too late. Let’s go and look at a scene from the future”. “Okey cokey” said Gord, “if I touch your arse it was defo only by accident.” “Whatever Gordo” said Kylie I’ve heard it all before keep your mitts to yourself”.
Next thing Gord and Kylie are standing at a political rally 4 weeks in the future. Riverballs and Mugabes evil plan had worked and the Tories were in. Many people with rashes on their faces from using Johnson and Johnson products had formed an angry mob but they didn’t care, they were pillaging the countries funds to fuel their crack habits. “Oh my”, said Gord “how did I let this happen?”. “Well” said Kylie, “you let your fear of Pat wreck your chance, nobody would believe Darlings claims coz all they could concentrate on was his sinister eyebrows, you were too busy drafting anti Pat policy and the Tories won by a landslide, it all your fault Gordo… it’s all your fault…” “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” screamed Gord. “You need to make a comeback like me” said Kylie “I was left for dead after the Nick Cave years but all it took was a pair of gold hotpants and a glint in my eye and I was back on top again, you can do it Gord, you just need to believe in yourself… believe in yourself… believe in yourself…”
Next thing Gord woke up at his desk with a start. It was all just a dream he thought to himself. Thank Christ, Kylie was right, I need to get on my hotpants and I can sort all this mess out and win the election fo sho….
VOTE FOR BROWN, HE’S NOT EVEN SCARED OF PAT ST CLEMENT OR ANYTHING!!!!
Anyway, Gord woke up a few hours later to the sound of the Eastenders theme tune and shuddered involuntarily, and thought I best get some kip, I look like a frog at the best of times and I don’t want to make matter worse. Then all of a sudden he looked up with a start and realised the ghost of Patrick Swayze was standing at the other side of his desk. “Hey, Dalton from Roadhouse what are you doing in my office? I thought you was dead” asked Gord, “I did star in many other films apart from Roadhouse you know, I should have won an Oscar for my turn as Johnny Castle in Dirty Dancing, if it wasn’t for Dusbin Hoffman doing his turn in Rainman that year it would have been mine” replied Swayze. “Whatever Dalton” replied Gord, “if you don’t say the line I’m going to get the Secret Service to throw you out” “Ok, sighed Swayze “Pain don’t hurt”, “hahahahaha, belter” said Gord, “ok, what can I do for you? Can ghosts vote?” “no” replied Swayze, I am here to take you back to a painful memory from your past” “ok” replied Gord, lets go.
All of a sudden Gord found himself somewhere he thought he never wanted to see again. It was 1985 and he was in the Queen Vic pub watching himself as a young Labour MP for Dumferline East. He had been invited there to talk to the cast about how Eastender’s could become more political. “I never think about this day” Gord said to Swayze. “I know said Swayze “but you have to face up to what happened to you”. Gord watched himself with some trepidation, he knew what was coming next….
Pat St Clement came up to Young Gord and asked him if he wanted to have a game of darts. Gord was never one to turn down a challenge so he accepted. Things were going well and for a bird Pat couldn’t half bang the darts into the bullseye. “Jesus” thought Brown, “I’m really going to have to pull out my A Game here” so anyway, it turned into a bit of an epic battle and loads of Newquay Brown got sunk. Gord was collecting his darts when all of a sudden he heard cries of “get out of the way, get out of the way”. The old Gord suddenly cried “I’ve had enough, I can’t watch anymore”. “Tell me what happened” said Swayze. “I only got in the way for a minute but Pat St Clement was so intent in winning she planted a dart in my eye, that’s how I lost it, the story was covered up but to this day I still can’t bear to watch Eastenders, Pat was devastated, that’s why she always wears dangly earrings, they are a tribute to me and what happened that day but they make me shudder” said Gord. “You have to let it go” said Swayze, come on lets gets back to Westminster.
Next thing, Gord finds himself back in his office on his own and thought “bugger me have I just had a psychotic episode? Best not mention that to anyone its prob’s just the stress of the election getting to me” his calm was only short lived as he turned around and the ghost of Boy George was standing behind him (yes I know Boy George isn’t dead) . “you can’t be in here. You’re a known criminal, get out at once, you’re going to wreck my election chances entirely” yelped Gord. Boy replied “do you think I really want to hurt you, do you think I really want to make you cry” “ok” sighed Gord, “you’ve milked that song long enough, “just get on with it I’ve got to get to a cabinet meeting.”. At which point Gord stormed off and Boy George followed him.
In the cabinet meeting, Alistair Darling, or ‘he of sinister eyebrows’ as Gord always like to think of him was looking purely please with himself. “what’s happening?” asked Gord, trying to ignore Boy George sitting off beside him. “Well” said Darling “we have had a brilliant breakthrough, we just found out that Riverballs has struck a deal with Johnson & Johnson to put mild hallucinogenics in Pampers and baby wipes. They are harmless to kids but when the mums wash their hands after they have changed the nappies or girls take off their makeup the potent potion gets activated and they fall in love with Riverballs, that’s how he is getting the votes.” “Brilliant” replied Gord, “everyone knows Johnson & Johnson headquarters are in Nigeria so if we can get a link to Mugabe this will floor the Tories entirely”. At this point Gordon heard a familiar rustle and sweat trickled down his back. “Who is wearing dangly earrings? You know I have banned earrings longer than an inch from cabinet meetings” It’s me admitted Mandy, “I couldn’t resist. Its election day I wanted to be festive”. “Very well” said Gord “you all carry on here I just need to go and pass an emergency act through parliament that bans people wearing anything other than studs and banning the sale of peroxide bleach and eyebrow dye, you all carry on”. “But Prime Minister” shouted Darling, we need you there to give these claims credibility” “I must go” said Gord and he and Boy George stormed off. “Don’t you see, said Boy, “you can’t let this fear of all things relating to Pat St Clement wreck your life, that’s why Swayze took you back to that painful memory. He wanted you to confront your fear” “Leave me alone” said Gord. “I need to stop this happening to me again”. So Boy George sighed, reapplied his eyeliner and left.
Gord returned to his office and began to calm down. He knew his fear of St Clement was wrecking his election chances but every night when he popped out his eye and put it in a glass of water for the night he thought of what had happened. As he was musing over the events of the day he looked up and who should be standing their but the ghost of Kylie (again I am aware she isn’t dead). “Kylie, you perfect but slightly frozen faced pop princess, what on earth are you doing here” asked Gord delightedly. “Well if I’m lucky, lucky, lucky enough (omg, even I know that was terrible!!) I’m going to show you the error of your ways before it’s too late. Let’s go and look at a scene from the future”. “Okey cokey” said Gord, “if I touch your arse it was defo only by accident.” “Whatever Gordo” said Kylie I’ve heard it all before keep your mitts to yourself”.
Next thing Gord and Kylie are standing at a political rally 4 weeks in the future. Riverballs and Mugabes evil plan had worked and the Tories were in. Many people with rashes on their faces from using Johnson and Johnson products had formed an angry mob but they didn’t care, they were pillaging the countries funds to fuel their crack habits. “Oh my”, said Gord “how did I let this happen?”. “Well” said Kylie, “you let your fear of Pat wreck your chance, nobody would believe Darlings claims coz all they could concentrate on was his sinister eyebrows, you were too busy drafting anti Pat policy and the Tories won by a landslide, it all your fault Gordo… it’s all your fault…” “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” screamed Gord. “You need to make a comeback like me” said Kylie “I was left for dead after the Nick Cave years but all it took was a pair of gold hotpants and a glint in my eye and I was back on top again, you can do it Gord, you just need to believe in yourself… believe in yourself… believe in yourself…”
Next thing Gord woke up at his desk with a start. It was all just a dream he thought to himself. Thank Christ, Kylie was right, I need to get on my hotpants and I can sort all this mess out and win the election fo sho….
VOTE FOR BROWN, HE’S NOT EVEN SCARED OF PAT ST CLEMENT OR ANYTHING!!!!
Whose stupid idea was fixed parliaments? I don't want to wait another five years for more from Katie!!!
Anyway - that's all for now folks. I hope you enjoyed the election as much as I did.
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